Friday, 24 March 2017

Relationships and PTSD

So its fair to say I gave up on this blog but it has been for good reason.  When I started this I started it for fun and for a way for my brain to let out exactly what its feeling but gradually with people finding this blog it became a pressure and when my teachers found it, I had to delete a lot of posts and be more restrictive in what I wrote and that is why I'm letting this blog go.  I won't shut it down but the chances are i won't continue to post and if i do it will be crap that popped into my head like this will be which i don't expect people to actually read.

Anyway...

Before I go I wanted to talk about something that hasn't really affected me while i have been writing this blog but does now.  Relationships. I'm shit at them.  I push people away far too much and convince myself the world hates me and I'm safer on my own but the thing is now I'm not.  Now I have someone there but I just make it difficult.  Whenever i have a bad day i doubt he gives a shit about me and i try to push him away.  Now I'm the luckiest girl alive because he doesn't go.  He sits there and puts up with my bullshit.

I don't know if he will ever see this, part of me hopes he does but part of me wants to stop writing and delete everything now in case he does but i have one thing to say and its more for me than him.  If you are reading this i just want to say that i know i don't say it much and i know a lot of the time i certainly don't act like it but I love you!  I really do.  I love the fact you make me laugh, i love how sweet you are and i love the fact that you refuse to leave when i tell you to go.  I know it's hard and i know you tell me all the time its going to get better but sometimes i find it hard to believe.  I love you and I'm sorry for the shit I've put you through.

Well that's it.  I'm signing out again and I won't be checking stats or anything anymore.  If you really wanna continue to read me bitch about the world ill leave my twitter down below.

Personal twitter - @chronic_tez23
music twitter - @musicbytez

Saturday, 14 January 2017

Uni

Okay... So the one a week thing didn't go to plan! I broke my new laptop so yeah...

Anyway just thought I'd quickly update that so far I have 3 conditional offers and 1 unconditional for uni.  I'm not saying this to brag but to say if someone tells you that you can't FUCK THEM. I was told by many teachers growing up I wouldn't do it. I was told I would do anything with my life but then I found 4 people who believed in me and I me REALLY believed in me.  I still have the words of one of them on a flashcard in my phone case (do it and prove them wrong and it's 2 fingers up to them) but the flashcard thing deserves a post of its own. 

Anyway what I'm trying to say is when you find one person who believes in you it outweighs all that don't. I found them and I'm eternally grateful but not everyone finds that person so be that person.  You can do it! 

I really wish I could say more about the ones that helped me but 2 of them have a habit of lingering on her but they taught me to believe in myself. They did all they could to help me and give me confidence and finally I feel like I can say yeah I am confident. Obviously my anxiety still limits me but I believe in myself more, I'm more open to talking people and for fuck sakes I'm doing my first gig in a months time so if that doesn't show how far I've come nothing will.

Friday, 30 December 2016

Make Your Years Count

This probably sounds like some cheesy midlife crisis blog but stick with me on this.

The other day my friend came to me and said that there are 240 hours in 10 days and started talking about how shes wasting her life.  Naturally, I told her to shut the fuck up because shes 17 but she has a point.

On average we all get 87 years on this earth so we better make them count.  We've all looked back on 2016 and thought "Jesus Christ, what a crap year that was!" but have we really done anything about it?  Did we set out to make it a better year?  You may not be able to stop all of the horrific tragedies that have happened this year but what has stopped you from doing something good.  Giving money to a charity or visiting a sick or elderly loved one.  Not huge things but all things that make a difference.

That's why next year I am making a vow.  It will be a good year because I will make it a good year.  I'm going to start being more positive and I'm going to make good happen.  I could sit and mope around or I could get off of my arse and make my last year of college count before going off to university.  Work my arse off to do well in my exams and do one hell of a fundraiser in february and its going to be something I'm proud of.  Something i can look back on and think "I did that and it was fucking awesome!"  Something that will get me through the down days.

If I don't post before, have a great new years eve and remember, end on a soft drink, pint of water and something salty to avoid a hang over!

Sunday, 25 December 2016

Merry Christmas!

Just a quick post to say merry Christmas everyone! Hope you all have an awesome day!

Sunday, 18 December 2016

2017

I think we can all agree 2016 has been a crap year but it has taught me a lot. It's taught me a lot about me. It's taught me I'm stronger than I think I am, that this world is full of fake people but it's also full of the best people you will ever meet so the more fakes you kick out of your life the more space there is for the true and most importantly that I pretend to be something I'm not.

Recent events have shown me that I have 3 different personalities; the one my family wants me to be, the one my college wants me to be and the one my friends see but not any more. As of 2017 everything is going to change.  I will be who I want to be and if people don't like it then I don't need them in my life.  This year I've been able to get rid of so many fake people who pretended to care and I pretended to be someone I'm not to keep them but no more.

So why the change? I'm going to university. I've got my first offer in less than a week after sending it and things are looking good for the others too.  I'm leaving the town I've grown up in and right now I see no reason to come back. Everyone I loved has died and right now I'm struggling to distinguish between those who take advantage of me and those that actually care and I want to know who I'm keeping when I leave.  I want to know who cares and who likes me for me. 

It's taken a lot of balls but it's needed.  Everyone needs to. Be yourself and be happy with yourself. So who am I?

I'm a huge Paramore and All Time Low fan but I also love Ed Sheeran and The Script.

I love science but I hate maths.

I love sport but I also love lazy days reading because I'm a huge bookworm.

I speak my mind. Sometimes it'll be to tell you I love you or it could be to run. Run for your life.

I'm not overly quick to anger but I have my triggers. Disrespect me and trigger my anxiety and I'll disrespect you but worst of all don't cross my friends or I'll rip you a new one.

So this is me. Kinda punk rock, kinda chilled out.  One of the most caring people you'll ever meet yet also the most psychopathic.  I love unconditionally but mess with someone I love and, well, that will take a whole other post.  I'm a mix and I'm happy that way. If you're happy with me that way then stick around but if not I don't need to be dealing with you.  It's people like you that have left me so severely depressed this year.

On a side not I'm aiming for at least one post a week.

Thats all from me so there's just one thing left to say...

Thanks very much 2016, you've well and truly fucked us up the arse!

Friday, 9 December 2016

Rocking For Carers Fundraiser

I have no idea if I mentioned this before my disappearance so I'm going to presume I didn't.

My friends and I organising a fundraiser for my local carers centre.

This has been in the works for months but dickheads.  Anyway, now they are out the way and we are free 15th February, 2017 we will be hosting a fundraiser at Level III at The Rolleston Arms at 5pm.

I'm really excited!  I'll be performing along side some amazing acts like Melophobia, Post 12 and Apparatus in hand along with Pjay Jackson who you all need to look out for and support on Britain's Got Talent next year!

Tickets £2 for under 18s and £3 for over.  I'm really excited and it would be great if we could raise a lot of money.

Thursday, 8 December 2016

Back but things have changed

So incase you haven't noticed I've been gone since October! So here's the thing. A lot has changed recently and I haven't ran in about 2 months for many reasons and I hope to again soon but right now I have exams coming up which I'm focusing on.

So anyway I know I've been gone but things are getting better.  A lot has changed and I have a lot of new adventures and not just the whole uni applications and in fact I think it going to have to take a whole post of its own.  I'm very excited about this and I would love for you guys to be involved if you can! Obviously I don't expect all my American readers to fly over of from wherever else but anyone near by that would be awesome!

So today and yesterday a lot of stuff happened and I've been thinking about coming back for a while but now I am.  I looked at my figures earlier and decided if anyone is still here reading my shit I'd come back and... Well... You are! I have no idea why but I love you guys for it!  I've been gone for almost 2 months with no explanation and you've stuck around!  Dedication.

So anyway, things are changing and especially for the moment I will be focusing on music for reasons that will soon come apparent and other stuff as recently my body has completely let me down and I'm not being very 'sporty' at the moment but a lot more 'spoonie.'

More will be revealed later.